I can only speak for myself here, but I happen to know there were people who overlooked my many failings while I was active in my addiction. I received grace on more occasions than I probably know. I was allowed more than my fair share of second, third, and fourth chances. If I’d been asked at the time, though, I’d have likely said the world was against me. I’d have likely vouched for the idea I was being unduly scrutinized—held to a higher standard. My alcoholism blinded me to the people who were waiting for my better nature to win out.
In my addiction, I perceived the world as closed doors and hardened hearts. When I started to live in sobriety, though, I found a deep reservoir of understanding, grace, forgiveness, and patience. I found open arms and open ears. I found helping hands and sage advice, all freely given. All of it helped me find my value. It helped me realize that I had good qualities that needed to be nurture and that if I did the work, I could regain a productive place in society.
So, you do the work, you put some sober time together, and then you start making observations about people who are exhibiting qualities you don’t like. What do you do with that? Do you express your disdain? Do you ridicule? Do you mock? Do you chastise? Or, do you try to keep in mind the grace, forgiveness, and patience you were given when you may have deserved it least? I propose the latter course is better.
I’m not suggesting, of course, that we expose ourselves unnecessarily to toxicity or that we fail to designate boundaries for our physical, mental, and spiritual protection. Not at all. We all have to decide for ourselves where our comfort lies and what is healthy for us. I am suggesting, though that we ought to not be so quickly to become judgmental of people afflicted with the same faults we’ve only just recently escaped.
In particular, I think we need to remember that in the case of people who are in active addiction, they are not always operating with their full faculties, just as we weren’t. It can be frustrating to offer appeals to reason and rationality to people whose brains are not operating on that plane. A diseased mind is run by diseased thoughts. This can manifest in behaviors we don’t approve of, but who of us operates from a position of perfection to cast hypocritical judgments?
Not all of the faults we might observe in others are borne from addiction, but it can still be helpful for us to be mindful of the people who allowed us the time and room to grow into the better people we became. Becoming less eager to judge and castigate people has the parallel benefit of keeping us from getting too upset by the conduct of others, conduct that is entirely out of our control. There are plenty of judges. We are called to be helpers.
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