It will be difficult for me to write about this quotation without delving into complete and total hypocrisy. So, let me open by saying, I still get angry. Sometimes, it’s traffic. Sometimes, it’s the behavior of others who just don’t act the way I want them to. Any number of things can cause me to have the initial instinct to get angry and I know that it is imperative to my continued sobriety to let that impulse pass as quickly as possible. This is entirely in keeping with the admonition of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which calls anger a “dubious luxury” we alcoholics can ill afford. What is it about anger that is so toxic to us, though?
Anger puts control of our thoughts in actions in the hands of people and circumstances outside of our control. We say things we don’t mean when we are angry. We behave in ways we regret when we are angry. This leads to resentment. It leads to regret. It leads to shame. If we can work to manage to not react instantaneously and negative to the things that bother us, we can avoid losing control and doing or saying things we regret. That’s ideal, but it doesn’t always work and when it doesn’t, it’s necessary, if we’re working a good program, to take steps to immediately make amends.
I’ve had times in my recovery where I have said and done things out of anger that I regretted. It’s unavoidable, I think. We are not perfect. We are not saints. When that happens, it’s important that we immediately address it with the people who have suffered as a result of our losing control. That’s the way to handle it when it happens, but let’s be honest: damage gets done when we fly off the handle all the time and then make an immediate apology. We don’t want to be mercurial grouches who are prone to angry fits and then immediate apology. It’s that kind of unpredictability that will cause people to keep their distance from us. We don’t want to be isolated from our loved ones. Nothing good can come from that.
Much anger derives from the feeling we have when we want control over people and circumstances that we simply don’t get to have. We don’t control the behavior of others. We don’t control the weather. We don’t control the traffic. We don’t control whether a ball goes through a net, into a goal, or over a fence. We are spectators to almost all of the goings-on in the world and the sooner we realize we are mostly along for the ride, the easier it will be to reconcile ourselves to that lack of control without becoming angry.
My anger will not cause the clouds to part, my highway to clear, or my plane to arrive on time. It will not pay my bills or cause my children to hug me tighter. It will not cause my wife to love me or my parents to be proud of me. Anger is an almost entirely useless emotion in nearly every practical aspect of our daily lives. Yet, we keep it handy in our emotional toolbox for all sorts of situations where it won’t do us any good.
Let me try to bring this back to recovery. Anger is an emotion that we don’t wield well, as addicts and alcoholics. It causes resentment and isolation and those two things are poisonous to happy and successful sobriety. We have a much better chance of remaining happy, joyous, and free if we acknowledge our powerlessness over many situations and try to work through approaching these types of situations rationally. Dear Reader, do not be ashamed of your tendency to become angry. Rather, recognize the situations that prompt it and spend a little time working through what emotion might be better suited to guide you through the situation.
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